I had given up on Vox really - basically I had completely forgotten it existed until the other day. This was going to be a place where I tested writing as a certain character, but I sort of ran out of steam. I've had fun looking through other people's blogs though.
Maybe I'll get inspired to blog again, who knows. In the meantime:
July 28th 2006
A good afternoon to all my dear subjects.
It has been a strange week for your erstwhile purveyor of technological fairy dust.
There I was, in the land of the hairy unwashed, France that is, enjoying a most agreeable bicycle journey on my new machine. Tired of my bipedal wanderings I decided to partake in a trip through the French countryside. Such a beautiful country. If only we could replace the French it really would be a wonderful place.
But I digress. There I was, meandering away, when a large group of young men on their own, rather odd looking bicycles came up behind me, jolly fast. Clearly wanting a race, and as I never turn down a challenge, I obliged. Winning in rather convincing fashion I might add.
After speaking with one of these, by now, rather sweaty men (I won’t say gentlemen as a Gentleman would never sweat. Men sweat, women glow, gentleman perspire gently) I learned that it was some kind of tour of France.
Or Tour de France as they insisted on calling it. Why they won’t speak the Queen’s English is quite beyond me.
Anyway – would you believe that after relieving myself in the nearby facilities I was informed that they had tested my excretion and found it to be high in testosterone and that I had somehow taken a substance to aid my victory.
Well, dear hearts, I was incandescent with rage as I’m sure you can imagine. I informed them that any extra testosterone was merely a direct result of being an English Gentlemen.
Fortunately for me, an offer of tea and crumpets with a minor Royal was enough to entice Floyd Landis to assume responsibility and ensure my good name was not sullied in the gutter press.
July 14th 2006
I have decided that it is my lot in life to teach the old colonies how to conduct themselves as true Englishmen. As you can imagine, it is a frustrating experience.I often feel like I am bashing my head against an Italian defender.
Judging by your current head of state, you clearly can't be left to your own devices so I have decided therefore, to revoke the independence of the United States of America. You may keep Florida though – seems rather dangerous
You shouldn't find the transition too tricky; there are a few simple rules however:
- You will stop referring to football as soccer. Soccer is not a real word
- Like , as a word, has it's uses. It shouldn't be inserted randomly into sentences however, as that is, like, totally, like wrong.
- Don't say Dude. Ever
- Mel Gibson must immediately be arrested for treason. Braveheart and the Patriot are most certainly traitorous acts (and I won't accept the defence that he may very well be Australian)
- A British actor must immediately be cast as a good guy in a major movie
- Close down the NFL. Those of you brave enough, will be allowed to play rugby in due course.
- If you insist on having a World Series, you must, from now on, invite other countries to take part
Tips for becoming a true Englishman
- Learn to queue. It is the national pastime in England. I cannot stress its importance enough. If you see a queue, you must join it. Even if you don't know what it is for
- There is nothing in the world that cannot be fixed by a nice cup of
tea.
None of these gadabout, Johnny-come-lately herbal teas mind you. - Herbal is not pronounced 'erbal. Kindly note that the word begins with an H
- You must not be able to take a compliment or a gift well. Should you
be complimented you should always turn into an impersonation of Hugh
Grant.
Good job? Me – really, well that's very, you know, haha, yes, well thank you, I., er, well, that is… oh, is that the time must dash
- You must never complain. If someone, for example is talking during a performance at the Opera, you may not, under any circumstances ask them to pipe down. You are, however, in extreme circumstances, allowed to tut. Twice
- With a bit of thought, anything can be made into a double entendre.
July 7th 2006
This week I come to you with a heavy heart. The World Cup is over. The righteous were unfairly vanquished. Quite why they are still playing matches is quite beyond me.
The flag overlooking my 1 bedroom castle is at half mast for the death of English football. If those French win, then civilization as we know it may very well end.
It's almost enough to make this gentleman's stiff upper lip quiver
Last week's translation seems to have stirred up a much needed interest in you good people. I'm so pleased that you wish to learn how to speak English. Well done! I'd give you a pat on the back, but I don't like to get too close to the hoi polloi. i may send someone round to do it later.
I also hear how much people like my accent - this disturbs me somewhat - Clearly I don't have an accent. This is just how English sounds when it is pronounced correctly.
June 30th 2006.
As you can see I'm sporting a lovely redcoat this
week, ready to bestow upon you another nugget of tiptastic delight.
It has been brought to my attention that there is a certain Holiday coming up. 4th July I believe - hardly a time of celebration really. I assume that it is a time you set aside for deep reflection at the loss of our beloved Queen. God bless her
Still I'm sure that it was all worthwhile, and you are delighted with your current head of state. As a certain George Bernhard Shaw once quipped we are 2 nations separated by a common language. Oh George, you are a card.
In the hopes of furthering communication I have made a short list of American phrases, and then translated them in to English for you.
I know, I'm too kind
| American | English |
|---|---|
| Sidewalk | Pavement |
| Faucet | Tap |
| Trash | American Soap Operas |
| Foreign Policy | War |
| The World Series | Local Championship for a minority Sport (that is played by little girls in UK) |
| Soccer World Cup (Minority sport played by girls and Latin and South Americans) |
The World Cup – The single most important social, cultural and sporting event on the face of the planet. It was at its most important in 1966. When England won it |
| USA! USA! USA! We're number 1. My team has won | Oh dear – My team has won, but we played rather poorly |
| Waiter, this food sucks – I demand to see the manager | Shhhhh… mustn't make a fuss |
